Looking at Old Photos: An Exercise to Help You Reconnect To Yourself When You’ve Forgotten Who That Is

My 2001 interview with Oprah, Lol!

I’m going through old photos while working on my second memoir and found this memory today.

This one is from a trip to Las Vegas in 2001 where I visited Madame Tussaud’s wax museum. I am a huge fan of Oprah, so when I ran into her that day, of course I let her interview me for my upcoming best-selling book. Lol! 😂

I was writing my memories out by hand back then for the book I wanted to write someday and was filing them away in my 3-ring binder.

I used to sit and watch The Oprah Show every chance I had at 4pm and still have the notes I took on the episode where she interviewed authors of memoir on how they approached their writing process.

This exercise of looking back at old photos is helpful for reconnecting to our old selves to see how far we’ve come, and to see how much further we have yet to go. It’s also helpful for abuse survivors who have endured decades of psychological abuse to help us reclaim who we’ve always been at our core, before toxic people projected who they are onto us.

This photo reminds me what I’ve known all along. I’ve lived authentically and genuinely from my heart. I’ve approached my big, convoluted, noisy, messy, busy life with a huge sense of humor, a love of life-long learning, the strength and dedication to keep my word to myself and follow through on my commitments, while showing up for my roles and responsibilities and continued to dream big!

And here I am. Still smiling and laughing. Still learning and growing. Still strong and doing. Still keeping my word. Still showing up. And still dreaming big!

I’m also still very realistic about what a long way I have yet to go to go to get to where I dream of being. But, the most important thing about this is I kept my word to MYSELF to write that first book! How is that for learning self-trust, self-love and self-acceptance on your own?

Don’t allow the community that teaches about narcissistic abuse tell that you don’t know how to teach yourself or can’t. If what you see is good and you’re happy with that, keep doing that. If it’s not, have the guts to change it.

Dream big or go home, baby!

And, don’t let narcissistic family project onto YOU who they think you are, or should be, in order to make them comfortable and to keep you in learned helplessness. Be defiant! Be a force to be reckoned with! They’ll get over it. Or they won’t. It’s their choice to make.

This photo reminds me that I’ve approached my big, convoluted, noisy, messy, busy life with a huge sense of humor, a forgiving heart, the love of life-long learning, the strength to follow through on my commitments, the dedication and audacity to show up for my roles and responsibilities all while continuing to dream big!

Dream big or go home, baby!

projection #protection #dream #do #create #laugh #learn #grow #loveyourself

Growth from Toxic Relationships Is Not About Building Walls

We can learn everything there is about toxic people of every kind and know something about every kind of personality disorder — and still get duped.

We can prepare in every way possible to never allow ourselves to be used, abused, or manipulated again, but that’s not real life. When we’re keeping our hearts open, living our lives and not isolating ourselves for protection behind impenetrable walls, those things can and will happen.

Believing that everyone who hurts us is purposefully toxic or disordered, and that healing from them is a one and done, is both naive and harmful. Harmful to us to think we should never be duped again if we just learn these simple rules. And harmful to others for pigeonholing everyone as “toxic” or “narcissistic” who may hurt us.

The world has gone crazy with all this narcissistic 101 crap. Everything I see is about it is from one extreme to the other: all good, or all bad; with no in between. That’s called borderline personality disorder. So, whatever you do, learn to see shades of gray.

I’ve tried all my life to walk the midline of life and have still hurt others inadvertently, or been harmed by others. I’m not going to stop living my life and trying again with new people. Making everyone we meet pay for the sins of another is not growth. It’s just another form of superiority.

Yes, we need to learn our boundaries, yes, we need to learn the signs of toxicity in others — and then— we need to liberally apply some common sense to the whole situation and realize that each time we engage with others there is a possibility that we could get hurt. Anything other than staying open is not living.

Learn to Discern What You’re Listening to about Narcissistic Abuse on YouTube.

I wish videos on narcissistic abuse didn’t go straight to NPD when discussing narcissism. Because there are healthy levels of narcissism with a little “n” that we all have in order to forge ahead and make our own paths in life. Healthy narcissism is how we get our needs met. It’s how we get out of bed and try again. It’s how we rise above. It’s how we speak up and out against injustices and stand up to be counted. It’s how we are able to put ourselves in others shoes and put our own needs on hold for another.

This kind of narcissism is full of compassion for others, takes ownership of self, takes responsibility for one’s own actions, self-partners, fulfills self from within, is authentic and genuine, isn’t afraid to look imperfect, and has empathy for self and others.

As someone who has two narcissistic parents, and is married to a man with a narcissistic mother, narcissism that comes in the form of capital “N” Narcissism, as in the personality disorder NPD—we can tell you it is completely unhealthy and void of anything that resembles empathy. They present with an inability to ever be wrong about anything, can never have faults, be responsible for their actions, don’t take ownership of self, don’t even try to understand others feelings, can’t ever look imperfect, can’t show any vulnerability whatsoever, apologize, or have remorse and empathy for others.

The video I watched today went on to talk about how “sad” it is for victims. And while it is, I also wish videos that discussed NPD didn’t pigeonhole victims of it as somehow doomed to never prosper or succeed in life. Nothing could be further from the truth! I’ve been living this life, all my life — and I’ve never thought for a second I was sad or doomed.

Telling people this or even hinting to it, is just another type of conditioning and grooming going on in the narcissistic “expert” community that wants to educate people about it, yet have us heavily relying on their products, classes, books and more to heal from it.

It’s like dumbing us down while building us up to need them. It feels opportunistic and it feels wrong to me. I don’t begrudge anyone from making a living, but I do take offense to showing pity and pandering to a group of people looking for healing, while simultaneously keeping them stuck and sick and reliant upon their content to heal by using degrading words that push people back into the pigeonholes they are trying to escape.

Don’t believe anything that pushes you back in life! And don’t listen to people who use negative language to describe your life. Only grow forward and make your own path in life with your small “n” narcissism in tow.

We are not victims, nor are we sad. We are victorious and more powerful than they want us to believe.

#nowyouknow #notsad #notavictim #justsayin

Healing: A Lifetime Ordeal

I don’t have a program to sell you. And I won’t begin to tell you that I know all the answers, because quite frankly, I’m turned off immediately by those types. We’re all different and what works for one person, may not work for another. What one has access to, another may not, and so on…

I do however have a few things I can tell you about healing trauma and it’s this:

It Takes a Lifetime to Transcend It because there will always be another layer. We may have healed our childhood wounding, but we are now on to our own lifestyle choices and ways of being in this world that need to be unlearned, forgiven and worked out of our bodies. We may feel healed for years, but then… life happens. They’re called triggers. And because our world is narcissistic in nature, there will always be those. But, we must walk our talk. I know sometimes it feels as if there are not enough hours in the day to get done all that we need to take care of, but just vow to get back to the deeper issues and do the work. I promise you, it’s worth it. You will get through it by making the next best decision you can make at the time. So take a few deep, cleansing breaths and be at peace with the fact that nothing in nature hurries and everything gets done when it’s supposed to.

— That’s it.

Meditate.
Go searching for the gold that is your life.
Walk your path with your head held up high.
Eat the rainbow.
Eat mostly at home.
Make beautiful things and give them away
Sweat out those toxins!
See beauty everywhere. These are bubbles at the car wash! Pretty!
Get your Vitamin D in it’s purest form. Sunshine!
Play!
And play some more
Chill with your best homie. P.S. -These pajama pants are 11 years old!
Buy yourself the funny socks! Yes, I bought these! POW! POW! POW!
Get massaged, frequently. Yes, I have my own table, that’s how often I require one. I taught my husband everything he knows from my time in massage school.
Buy yourself flowers.
Take pictures of the moon. Moonbathe naked. (Sorry, can’t show you that.;)
Make your own space to create. Just create: paint, sew, write, become.
Take cool photos and find balance in all things.
Remember your roots and rise above your raising.
Consult the cards, Universe and angels for guidance.
Pray. (These are my kitty’s feet. Precious!)
Make friends with dragonflies. They carry your wishes off to the angels. —He was so cooperative and remained perfectly still as I got ever so close. —Smile!
Feel the energy of healing crystals.
Light a candle, have a bit of wine and soak in Epsom salts. If you’re trying to raise your vibration after working trauma out of your body, skip the wine. Alcohol lowers our vibration.
Forgive yourself. Protect yourself from negative energies with a black tormeline ring.
Buy other artist’s work. An artist friend made this for me. It’s me reading my book with my kitty by my side! Cuuute!
Meet up with friends from the past and talk about how old you both are now. Then get busy doing what you want to with the rest of your life. Times a wastin’!
Look to the sky for answers and help. Are you there, God? It’s me, Robin?
Reflect.
Be the Light.
Seek solutions from within your own body. It’s talking to you if you take the time to listen.
Make your own super hero. (Yes, we still need them!) We may have to put down the armor, but a girl still needs a good utility belt, power bands and shit-kickin’ boots!
Don’t just walk the path, notice it.
When you can’t adult anymore. Have margarita. You deserve it! —Learn to accept love and care from others when they give it.
Trust that you will find whatever it is you need, at just the right time.

Now, repeat.

If you need me, I’ll be in my cloffice organizing, writing, processing, and praying that I get memoir number two done sometime next year. I’ll be the one with eleven year old pajama pants on that have holes in the knee. And, I’ll be wearing my mother fucking girl power socks too. They make me smile. Then giggle. Then full-on belly laugh. If that isn’t healing, I don’t know what healing is…

Balancing Act: Healing a Lifetime of Abuse While Still Living Life

Kites.jpg
Somedays we need to tell our burdens to “GO FLY A KITE!”

We can feel as if we’ve been walking a tightrope in life when trying to heal from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse all while living our lives…

One book, course, or therapist will tell you to:
Feel It To Heal it, that’s the only way through.

Another book, course, or therapist will tell you to:
Let it go, Rise Above, and Transcend.

The REAL truth about healing from ANY of this is:
We have to do BOTH at the same time.
(The Key to this is: While listening to your body to guide you.)

This is how I’ve done this death-defying, tightrope walk my whole life:

Keep Moving. >>> Feel it to Heal It = Go in deep, Feel it all — No matter how messy. (For my strong days when excavating is easier.)

Be Still. >>> Transcend Above It = Stay Present in the Moment, Self-Care, and just do today. (For my not so strong days, when digging is too tiring. *Just holding the balancing pole is enough weight to carry today.)

Feel it to Heal it
Rise Above…

Keep Doing That.

On days you look like you’re floating around doing nothing… YOU’RE NOT DOING NOTHING!

You’re integrating and soaring to NEW HEIGHTS! 

P.S. — *Don’t forget to give yourself credit for the weight of the balancing pole! 🙂

#dontlookdown #balanceiskey